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Worst Cars Ever Part II: Japanese & Korean Cars

I have to be honest: compiling a list of the worst Japanese and Korean cars ever made in the past ten years is not easy to do. First of all, Japanese cars--and increasingly Korean cars--routinely top reliability and owner satisfaction lists the world over--and have done so for the past decade or so.

Second, while it's important to remember that American car manufacturers aren't alone in designing, building, and flogging design lemons on the unsuspecting car buying public, coming up with a list of worst Japanese & Korean cars is, well, close to impossible. Why? Because even the bad ones are pretty darn good.

So with this in mind, we've put together a slightly different list: the "Top 6 Worst of the Best Japanese & Korean Cars Ever Made (in the past 10 years or so)". Awesome title, we know.

Why only six? We're still tracking down the final four...

While this isn't a list of lemons or worst cars ever, it is a list of cars that should be a lot better than they are.

Here they are (in no particular order):

1. Toyota Corolla
Shock and awe: someone who doesn't love the Toyota Corolla, the best selling car on earth. Well, this is a car that should have ended decades ago. It takes very little skill or effort (these days) to produce a reliable, competent, well mannered and efficient automobile--even the Koreans are doing it. But it takes a lot of effort to produce something so bland, so uninspired, so positively boring, and so frustratingly 'perfect' that it's practically invisible. The car itself is not the worst ever, but the concept of mass producing uninspired boredom really is. End the cookie-cutter car madness!

2. Mitsubishi Eclipse Spyder
There's something about a poseur--something pretending to be something it's not--that puts me off. If you're going to make a car that looks hot, make it hot. Otherwise, why bother? While the Mitsubishi Spyder looks pretty sweet--and might impress the average driver--what's missing is more noticeable than what's there. It handles like a dog for the size and specs, lacks turbo-charged oomph, feels cheaply made, and suffers considerable torque-steer (what, no LSD?). It looks the part, but lacks the parts that suit the looks.

3. Hyundai Tiberon
Come on, a car named for a shark and designed to look like a shark? Really? With that 'inspiration' behind one of Hyundai's first forays into the international sports compact market, it's no surprise the Tiberon's disappointed in more ways than one. If there is anyone on earth who doesn't find the first generation Tiberon at least a little ugly, I'll buy you one right now. But ugly doesn't make a bad car, so fortunately there's more: the handling was lethargic for the car's size, and the engine noisy and underwhelming for the specs. While some Tiberon's had average reliability, many more suffered from Hyundai's public beta testing of a model that needed more time in the oven.

4. Kia Sephia
Marking Kia's first entry into the lucrative family car market, the early Sephia really brings down the average for Asian cars in general--and belongs on a worst cars list of its own. But we'll include it here for the simple fact that they stopped production in 2004 so it can't come back to haunt us. Poorly made, poorly rated, and plagued with reliability problems en masse the Kia Sephia is what the Toyota Corolla would be if it had been assembled on a Friday afternoon. The day before Christmas. By drunk elves. On acid. Too far? Perhaps. Suffice to say the Sephia is a car Kia would like to forget, which is what we've included it here. Lest we forget true car crap!

5. Subaru Tribeca
It's not easy to understand how one of the highest ranked brands in terms of reliability and owner satisfaction can drop the ball and build what is surely one of the worst looking and unfocused automobile designs this side of France. Yet here it is, the Tribeca. The name harks back to a TV show that also shared many characteristics with the car: it was flashy but lacked substance, over hyped but left you wanting, had all the right ingredients but missed the mark. For 2009 the Subaru Tribeca gets some much needed attention in the design department and looses the snout-like front end, which is overdue. Subaru isn't a company that takes a vehicle failure standing still, so watch for a turnaround in the Tribeca's fortunes.

6. Toyota Celica
For a car that's well into its seventh generation, one would think Toyota has had pretty much every opportunity to iron out the wrinkles of the Celica platform. But with each new Celica generation comes new imperfections--the latest ones being relative gutlessness, uninspired styling, and a high price for what you get. The Celica also suffers from a lack of engine grunt, fake hood scoops that do nothing but add plastic bling, and design that is way too slick for what's underneath--they are stylish but not good looking, sleek but unbalanced, aggressive but mild mannered. In other words, a car that doesn't quite add up. Throw in a few gearbox problems and an engine crying out for turbo charging, and you have a car that should be among the best coming up as one of the worst--over promising, under delivering.

We're still working on digging up four more Worst of the Best Japanese & Korean cars, and when we do you'll see them here. In the meantime, if this doesn't hit hard enough for ya, post your comments and tell us your picks.

Worst of the Best, Best of the Worst, or Worst Ever. Bring 'em on..

Worst Cars Ever: Part II

Our recent "10 Worst Cars Ever Made" post generated plenty of comments and email, and for good reason: every car on the list was made (or at least assembled) in America, and some readers took exception to that fact.

But the fact is, while Japanese and European car companies have built their share of crappy cars, in our admittedly slightly biased opinion, they don't come close to the junk that's come from Detroit. This doesn't mean every American car is junk--not by a long shot--but just that America's worst cars are pretty much the (first-world's) worst cars. It's an achievement, in a way.

So to be fair, we've decided to put together two more Worst Cars Ever lists: one for Japanese cars, and one for European cars, because there are plenty to choose from. Watch for our next Worst Cars Ever list in the coming days and weeks, and (as always) be sure to let us know what you think about what we think.

Ten Worst Cars Ever Made

When it comes to the worst cars ever made, there are plenty to choose from. Too many, in fact. We could go on for hours. Really.

But to save us both the time, we thought we'd whittle the list of the worst cars ever made down to something manageable, like say, "The Ten Worst Cars Ever Made". But then we realized car companies have been making crappy cars for decades, so we decided to narrow that down to the worst cars ever made in the past decade or so.

The Chevy Cavalier, truly one of the worst cars ever under conceived, inspired us to write a Worst Cars Ever piece. So with that inspiration still fresh in our veins, we've added our picks for the Ten of the Worst Cars Ever Made (in the past ten years or so) in no particular order ('cause they all stink):

1. Chevy Cavalier
What more can we say? Lots: these rattle-and-squeak mobiles on wheels are offensive by simply existing because they remind us of our own car buying stupidity. That these gutless, wallowing junk heaps were once the best selling car in North America is something that will shame us all for generations to come. Europe holds its collective nose and frowns; Asia looks away; the Russians just laugh.

2. Ford Probe
Every time I see one I want to slap the owner with a rubber hose and light it (the car) on fire. What compels US car companies to take mediocre Japanese platforms and try to pimp them into something cool? It ain't going to happen folks, the Japanese keep the best for themselves. The Ford Probe was gaudy, under powered, ill conceived, unreliable, and just plain gay (no offence).

3. Plymouth Prowler
If all my automotive frustrations and annoyances were fed into a CAD program and turned into a car, it would be the Prowler. A contemptible and inflated design that wouldn't even appeal to Viagra popping silver haired foxes looking for romance in their chain-smoke acid flash dance ass-pants. An utterly stupid idea and a waste of clear coat. And the name, Prowler. What will Plymouth come up with next? The Plymouth Stalker? The Plymouth Rapist? I'm done...this car deserves no more.

4. Dodge Caliber
A poorly handling, stupidly named anachronism on wheels trying to be more than it is. Ugly, mostly gutless, and infinitely puzzling (is it a crossover, a compact, a wagon, or a go-kart?) this is one more for the crap-heap. I don't hate this car, but it vexes me. Why must American cars try so hard to look butch? It's like they have such an inferiority complex they have to over design plastic toughness. A 1976 Toyota Crown with 311,456 miles on the odo would be a far better buy.

5. Dodge Neon/SX2.0
Seeing a trend here? It's hard to understand why a car company would knowingly and willingly manufacture a car in 2008 that is inferior to anything produced in Japan in the 1970's, but here you go. Sure, they're peppy and not painfully ugly to look at, but the poor construction, weak handling, shoddy controls, and expected lack of reliability will have you wondering if the 0% loan really was such a good deal after all (sucker). Plastic craptastic!

6. Chevrolet Aveo
Just saying the name gets the bile bubbling up in my throat and burning by thorax raw. If you can't build a decent subcompact car that looks and feels Japanese, it's ok to buy one and resell it as your own. But it's probably a better idea to make sure the one you resell doesn't feel as cheaply Korean as a badly dubbed copy of Pulgasari. The Chevy Aveo screams cheap, poor quality components and piss-poor second world assembly. I remain utterly flabbergasted as to how or why anyone, anywhere, would buy one ever. Please tell me.

7. The 'New' Mustang, Camaro, Charger
These three cars occupy the same category: total automotive abominations that reveal an utterly unforgivable lack of design and originality by the Vanishing Three. Let's see if I got this straight: we can't come up with a new design that builds on the legendary heritage of the originals, so we'll mimic the styling and essentially remake the past in a desperate attempt to generate buzz? Pathetic. Track the evolution of true sports cars like the Nissan Skyline or the Porsche 911 with heritage that dates back decades and continues today with inspired evolution that subtly harks back to the past without recreating it. Gross duplication in a vain and transparent attempt to recapture past over-glorified glory (that never really was) is not innovation, folks.

8. Chevrolet Cobalt
Seriously, what's with these names? Open a dictionary and randomly point at a word and you'll come up with something better (Let's try: Epicure is our first pick and even that's better). Launched in 2004 and already being replaced by the upcoming Cruze (ooh, they changed the spelling how Web 2.0) this slightly modernized Cavalier replacement is as much a joke as the name and heritage suggest. But wait: there was a turbo and super charged version. Huh? Isn't that like turbo charging a Yugo: utterly pointless and infinitely laughable? Indeed. No street cred, no appeal, no guts, and once again no glory for Chevrolet. Hurry up and close.

9. Dodge Intrepid
Remember old Dodge Chrysler commercials about the innovation of Cab Forward design (basically putting the front seats of their crappy cars between the front wheels and calling it innovation)? Guess it wasn't such an innovation after all. Aside from being pretentiously slick and two-dimensional (it looks like a car drawn by a school kid) the Dodge Intrepid and its ilk were plagued with engine and transmission problems and poor build quality. Enough already Dodge, please!

10. Pontiac Aztek
Yes, the Aztek. More of a crossover (or cross dresser if you prefer) than a compact car, the Aztek deserves to be on this list as it really is the ugliest car in the world. This is a train wreck of an automobile, something that could only have been conceived during a really bad acid trip or, perhaps, an actual train wreck. The Aztek is physical proof that GM engineers just may have discovered another dimension of ugliness, one that needs a strong stomach and a 7th sense to comprehend. Honestly, if you asked someone to design a horrific jumble of a car, to make it as unappealing as possible, and to make it repel from every angle (I've heard stories of birds that won't crap on Azteks for fear of catching some form of avian disease). This car didn't just fall out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down, it consumed it and a portion of the known design universe in a black hole of confusion, poor planning, and very wrong-angles. Rumour has it the original Aztek design team are rotting in the damp, medieval dungeon that lies below GM headquarters.

There. I feel better. How 'bout you?